Are you afraid of the dark?

I am.

I don’t remember being afraid of the dark when I was young and I don’t remember any situation in particular that would have made me feel this way, but I do.

My husband and I both have lamps on our nightstands, matching of course. We also have a ceiling fan that contains light as well. The ceiling fan is remote controlled; however, the remote is located on my husband’s side of the bed. When you walk into our room and flip on the light switch, it activates the lamp on my husband’s side of the bed. Not, mine. Therefore, when I head to bed first, I have to walk to the wall, turn that light off and walk to the bed in the dark. However, it’s not really as simple as it sounds.

You see, I am terrified of what might by lying underneath my bed. Ok, I’ll give you a moment to stop laughing and collect yourself. Yes, I am afraid of the dark, and I am not afraid to admit it anymore. This is how entering my bed alone usually goes:

I do all the necessary get-ready-for-bed activities, brushing the teeth, showering etc. Then I’ll head downstairs, tell everyone goodnight, lock the front door, get a drink, whatever. Then the dreaded walk up the stairs. Now, if there are people actively playing upstairs, Jake on the computer, and whatnot, there are usually lights on in the hallway, so things go very smoothly on my walk up the stairs. However, the nights when the kids are all tucked in asleep, and Tom is downstairs watching TV, or in the garage tinkering, I head up the stairs alone, and the fright fest begins.

There is a light switch at the bottom of the staircase. I flip it on. I walk happily up the stairs in a brightly lit stairwell. I turn the corner to head up the second flight of stairs and eyeball the light switch at the top of the stairs that I will use to turn these lights off. I head directly for it, but right before I turn it off, I eyeball the route to my bedroom, memorizing it, so that as soon as I turn this stairwell light off, I can walk that path with my eyes closed if need be, and know full well, there is nothing in my way.

I flip the switch, head straight to my door, and immediately turn the light switch on in my room that operates Tom’s nightstand lamp. Phew! I made it.

Now comes the hard part. I, again, map out the path from the bedroom door to my bed. Making sure nothing is in my way, no shoes, no purse, etc. Keep in mind, my bedroom is 17x24 feet, therefore, the walk from my bedroom door to the bed is approximately 8 to 10 steps.

After taking about 4 to 5 steps, I can actually feel cold air coming from under my bed on my feet, a sensation that would make anyone feel eerie. What is the cold from I wonder, are there vampires under there? A man with a cold steal weapon, or the boogey man himself? When I feel this sensation, and that I am close enough to actually make it, I take a giant leap, with all my might from about 3 feet away and jump to the top off my bed, not letting my legs or feet dangle off at any point. I mean, I make my entire body meet the center of the bed in one giant move.

I immediately get under the covers, survey the room, and take deep breathes, well, because I just jumped really far and that was a lot of work and now I am out of breathe.

Now, I know the simple solution to this is to turn the light on at the wall, then walk to my side of the bed and turn my lamp on, however, as you can see, my critical thinking skills are lacking during this stage of my day! J But I do have some excuses.

I suffer from cataracts. I do have a vision problem and wear contacts; however, this is separate from the cataracts. My cataracts cause a vision problem for me that cannot be corrected with contacts or glasses. It’s like splattered paint on your eyeballs. Therefore, when light hits my eyes, even with the corrected vision of my contacts, I see shadows and some objects I cannot see at all. All of this is caused by glare. If light is behind me, I am perfectly fine. But if the light is in front of me, it’s literally blinding. Now, with this information, think about where the light is coming from when I walk, run, leap into my bed. It’s right in front of me, causing my vision to blur and all the of objects seem black and distorted.

Yep, that’s the best excuse I can come up with. I am visually impaired and therefore, the boogey man lives under my bed.

I also can’t sleep until my husband comes to bed, but that’s another blog entirely.

Although my excuse is pretty lame, I do have a simple solution that will work even when my critical thinking skills are on the fritz….. The Clapper!

I need the device that plugs into the wall, and when I am in bed, I can clap my hands, as my old lady turkey arms wave back and forth, and shout CLAP ON! CLAP OFF!

It feels good to get this off my chest. My husband has only recently discovered my fear.

Stop laughing!